my sisters under your porch take her home
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize