Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Randomize
