I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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