Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
