So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize