I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
