saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
