my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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