you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
