so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
