I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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