best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
