this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
