3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
