you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
