I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
