Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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