Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
