STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
