i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
