So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
