my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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