we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
