i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
