I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
