seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
