I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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