hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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