I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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