I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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