It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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