ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
