ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
