Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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