apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
