If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I can text with my tongue
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize
