He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
