Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
