Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
