He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Soap is not a condiment
everyone is single if you try hard enough
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
