Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
