i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
