FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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