Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
