So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
