Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
