I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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