you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
