Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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