Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
