i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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