is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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