How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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