hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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